I have now officially sat down to write this blog three times over the span of a week. It starts going and then…nothing. It doesn’t sound right; it isn’t good enough; I’m blabbing on; I can’t get my point across. This continues to occur as I even make this last attempt.

The question I keep coming to is “what is my point?”. What am I even trying to say?

I keep on trying to figure out what God is teaching me like the question “how is your heart?”. But I feel like I have been going in circles for days.

We have just completed our first month on the field. At this point, I had expected for ‘something to happen’. I say this knowing I was not supposed to come with any expectations. But you know what, it is kind of hard to not have expectations about how God will move and work. I have heard all these stories of God healing the sick, bringing forth rainstorms, and allowing people to prophesy in foreign languages. It is difficult to not expect God to reveal His glory in majestic ways. So I feel like for the past month I have been saying to God, “Bring it.”

Lately, it has gone from praying for God to bring is His kingdom to the question of what I am doing or not doing. Instead of focusing on just calling on the name of Jesus no matter what, I have started to inwardly look in and ask why or why not these miracles have or haven’t occurred. Does it have something to do with me? I have been going down this rabbit trail for a few days, and then from over 1300 miles away my sister spoke the truth God knew I needed to hear. She nonchalantly said, “Stop trying to figure yourself out.” Duh, of course.

I am not called to figure myself out. My Heavenly Father is the only one that really knows who I am. I was created in His image so He for sure knows better than I do.

So I guess my journal might get the point across best…

“I’m sorry for the improper expectations I have. I have no right to demand that in a month that you would have revealed yourself to me. That you would have shown me who I am in you. You reveal everything in your time. Even if you don’t show me while we are in Nicaragua, by Christmas, or on the whole trip, my searching and asking are not in vain. It is in you, and that is all that matters.”

“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” – Matthew 10:39