I have now officially sat down to write this blog three times over the span of a week. It starts going and then…nothing. It doesn’t sound right; it isn’t good enough; I’m blabbing on; I can’t get my point across. This continues to occur as I even make this last attempt.
The question I keep coming to is “what is my point?”. What am I even trying to say?
I keep on trying to figure out what God is teaching me like the question “how is your heart?”. But I feel like I have been going in circles for days.
We have just completed our first month on the field. At this point, I had expected for ‘something to happen’. I say this knowing I was not supposed to come with any expectations. But you know what, it is kind of hard to not have expectations about how God will move and work. I have heard all these stories of God healing the sick, bringing forth rainstorms, and allowing people to prophesy in foreign languages. It is difficult to not expect God to reveal His glory in majestic ways. So I feel like for the past month I have been saying to God, “Bring it.”
Lately, it has gone from praying for God to bring is His kingdom to the question of what I am doing or not doing. Instead of focusing on just calling on the name of Jesus no matter what, I have started to inwardly look in and ask why or why not these miracles have or haven’t occurred. Does it have something to do with me? I have been going down this rabbit trail for a few days, and then from over 1300 miles away my sister spoke the truth God knew I needed to hear. She nonchalantly said, “Stop trying to figure yourself out.” Duh, of course.
I am not called to figure myself out. My Heavenly Father is the only one that really knows who I am. I was created in His image so He for sure knows better than I do.
So I guess my journal might get the point across best…
“I’m sorry for the improper expectations I have. I have no right to demand that in a month that you would have revealed yourself to me. That you would have shown me who I am in you. You reveal everything in your time. Even if you don’t show me while we are in Nicaragua, by Christmas, or on the whole trip, my searching and asking are not in vain. It is in you, and that is all that matters.”
“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” – Matthew 10:39
But isn’t that something incredible that God has shown you in this one month? how much has god just revealed about himself in something as simple as that? Oh the irony of our father. In fact I have a lovely story about how much God LOVES irony that i need to share with you
Plain & simple, you are sharing your vulnerable self; thank you for being transparent. He is working in and through you in ways you don’t see. Thank you so much for the conversation on Thursday; I felt your open heart. Love you so much, Mom
Sweet Girl, I love hearing your thoughts and continue to be mightily amazed at technology! The fact that you can have these thoughts and be able to share them literally across the world!!! I have often thought of our human arrogance to expect an answer to each step along the say…”why did this happen? what does it mean?” I am realizing this is the real meaning of patience, that fruit that is so hard to grow: living for the now and moving forward without the need to over-examine our lives….HE WILL reveal what we need to know when we need to know it! Praying for your safety, courage and small delights each day, love you, momma ali
So proud of you. I second Emily when I agree that to see you are being taught so much in just one month. Take heart my dear, remember how much we learn in retrospect? I love you, you are often in my prayers.