I have found myself praying for tears countless times in my life. For most of my life, I have just suppressed my feelings. At times I meant to suppress them as I felt like I had to be strong, and other times I just didn’t want to deal with my feelings so I just ignored them.
Now I have found myself not having to pray for tears anymore. Instead, I have been declaring vulnerability and openness over myself. Satan no longer has a place of numbness in my life. He has tried to sidetrack me so much from the feelings my Heavenly Father has given me but this is something that our Lord triumphs over.
God has taken brokenness in one part of my life and had it spill over in pretty much everything else. When I have been praying for transparency, God has slipped it into other parts of my life not just relationships. This vulnerability has been coming in tears lately; sometimes they are full on and just flow down my cheeks, some just squeeze out of my eyes, and others just blur my vision. But whatever form they come in…it feels. It feels good no matter how bad it hurts. It is nice to feel what God has placed on my heart.
Like on Sunday as we visited another church for a Christmas celebration….tears came to my eyes because Nook (Pastor's wife) is so gentle and pretty; my eyes watered when I played with a little three-year-old girl whose parents are both in jail; I cried while I read my current book (Francine Rivers' The Atonement Child); I tear-ed up because I missed Mae and Patrice (other girls on the trip but just not currently with me). Tears rolled down my cheeks on Wednesday as we drove to the mountains to hike to a hill tribe because Jesus has been so sweet to me. I cried last night as we celebrated Christmas with the hill tribe people for their first time…because that was such a special moment in their lives; God provided the gifts to give them; little kids just had t-shirts and shorts with no shoes to wear in 40-degree weather while I wore sweatpants, layers of shirts, and smart wool socks. I have cried as I have realized that I really do miss my family and friends and that I am not going to be with them for Christmas.
Yes, it hurts to feel this sadness and pain, but at the same time it feels good. It is freeing and nice to let it loose. Just let it go.
The vulnerability God has shown me recently I know is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more He longs for me to be open and vulnerable about.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. – Psalm 56:8
i love you 🙂 So much. 🙂
And i’m so incredibly proud of you sister. And am privileged to have gotten a little bit teary with you, as i read your heart. 🙂
you are so beautiful. Don’t stop looking at Him, it shows all over you as you do. 🙂
Lamentations3:19-20. =)
Beloved Audrey:
Your story of opening to the gift of tears and accepting the beauty of human vulnerability is an amazing testimony to the integrity of your faith knitting body and soul together. Most human beings learn to fear their tears, to hide their feelings from others, yes then, even from themselves. We are thus less able to pray, to be truly present to love and serve others with our whole hearts. Most people’s hearts are not accessible on many days, even to themselves, because of this bad habit of stifling feelings and tears which are such a gift from God.
Of course, for some people who are too open and not grounded in a deeper prayer-life, the danger here is that they become wet rags, overrun by emotions or go in for a bit of melodrama and try to attract others’ attention with too much emphasis on their own feelings. I don’t sense you doing that at all, but rather you are open with your deeper self to allow things to speak to you through your body, your gut, your memory associations, your deeper identity, longings and inspirations.
My image of this kind of grounded humanity is that you are kinda like a straw letting God sip life through you. Such vulnerable openness is a humble and sacred way of trusting God with your whole being. How beautiful, how rewarding and true to who you are!
May God fill you with the same Spirit that filled Mary of Nazareth when she encountered the angel. May you continue to be the servant of the Lord, magnifying his presence in the world by following her example.
Love you, dear Audrey, and appreciate such tender revelations. Uncle Bob
Transparency, that is what I am seeing; how good for you to be this way. It is not a time for us to be stoic, just real. In our weakness He makes us strong with His Spirit. Let the tears flow dear one, they wash the soul clean.
Love you,
Mom
How ironic that on the day I am smiling and delighted to have “seen” you last night (via Skype) that i would read about tears….but He gave us all range of emotions, didn’t He? Thanks for sharing and for being real. Love you and am wishing you a beautiful Christmas from Georgia! many hugs, momma ali
How faithful God is to give us what we ask for. How beautiful His spirit is inside of you.
I learn so much from you!
Love you!
Hello Audrey…you don’t know me but I’m friends with your Mom and Dad and Sister(Michael and Melissa Pierce are my kids)…your Dad gave me the link to your blog when you left…seems like a lifetime ago, and I’ve followed your story since…
I Thank God for the wonder and truth…for the love…that He speaks through you, I can only imagine the affects that you and your allies are having out there in the world. Thank you especially today for your tears, as we all share in them as well…be safe and well and may God continue to bless you and yours through your journey.Jim
Audrey,
Seems like everyone has said it all in their posts already. God is good and we are blessed and tears show you care.
Hope you have a blessed Christmas–if you’d like some snow I can send it from Michigan!:)
Love, Jackie
you brought tears to my eyes…i love hearing your prayers and then watching God answer them one-by-one. I agree with Anna, God is teaching me a lot of different things through your experience.
cuando los ninos ven tu corazon haci, sin palabras, van a entender. love you!!
Merry CHRISTmas sweet Audrey,
I had a good cry one morning last week, and it does feel so good. The verse that stayed with me after my quiet time: 2 Cor 12:9 that your sweet Mom mentioned. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Often it’s what I leave the house with in my head, as I go out among the wolves. It’s good to be weak and lean on Him. When we do so he reminds us over and over of his faithfulness!
Love, Auntie C