I have found myself praying for tears countless times in my life. For most of my life, I have just suppressed my feelings. At times I meant to suppress them as I felt like I had to be strong, and other times I just didn’t want to deal with my feelings so I just ignored them.

Now I have found myself not having to pray for tears anymore. Instead, I have been declaring vulnerability and openness over myself. Satan no longer has a place of numbness in my life. He has tried to sidetrack me so much from the feelings my Heavenly Father has given me but this is something that our Lord triumphs over.

God has taken brokenness in one part of my life and had it spill over in pretty much everything else. When I have been praying for transparency, God has slipped it into other parts of my life not just relationships. This vulnerability has been coming in tears lately; sometimes they are full on and just flow down my cheeks, some just squeeze out of my eyes, and others just blur my vision. But whatever form they come in…it feels. It feels good no matter how bad it hurts. It is nice to feel what God has placed on my heart.

Like on Sunday as we visited another church for a Christmas celebration....tears came to my eyes because Nook (Pastor's wife) is so gentle and pretty; my eyes watered when I played with a little three-year-old girl whose parents are both in jail; I cried while I read my current book (Francine Rivers' The Atonement Child); I tear-ed up because I missed Mae and Patrice (other girls on the trip but just not currently with me). Tears rolled down my cheeks on Wednesday as we drove to the mountains to hike to a hill tribe because Jesus has been so sweet to me. I cried last night as we celebrated Christmas with the hill tribe people for their first time…because that was such a special moment in their lives; God provided the gifts to give them; little kids just had t-shirts and shorts with no shoes to wear in 40-degree weather while I wore sweatpants, layers of shirts, and smart wool socks. I have cried as I have realized that I really do miss my family and friends and that I am not going to be with them for Christmas.

Yes, it hurts to feel this sadness and pain, but at the same time it feels good. It is freeing and nice to let it loose. Just let it go.

The vulnerability God has shown me recently I know is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more He longs for me to be open and vulnerable about.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. - Psalm 56:8